| take my hand and tell me, "it's okay to be wild" Maybe it's wrong, sitting here watching my fuck-up, druggie beautiful boyfriend sleep. What is there to say about him, he gave me my first ecstasy pill, the day after my birthday, the night I got my second tattoo. Watching him sleep, I can hardly stand to wake him up, remind him that he's gotta go to work so that I can call Christopher, who never stops telling me how much of a fuck up I am, or taking off my clothes. Watching him sleep, I wanna be wrapped in his arms, never let him leave me, but I've got college next month, I've gotta get serious. "I thought you promised me you were gonna quit using" Christopher says or "I thought you were gonna leave that worthless bastard" and I can't reply "I thought you weren't going to cheat, I thought you promised to love me hell or high water." But that's our relationship, Mine and his, I don't know that I want it anymore.
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| here is the truth, one final masquerade,
this is my life, I'm beginning to fade
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| I feel...cheated, he's moved on and...I haven't . No matter how badly I want to, I can't imagine just moving on. I guess I should get it all out before I finally do explode; I feel cheated out of the love HE professed was there. And in the end, in the end he didn't feel anything. In the end, he put on the best show i've seen. Why lie so...ardently? So earnestly? I don't understand, I want to...I really do. I want to be able to understand what was going through your head. But I think we're both afraid of what might happen if you told me.
I can't express how I feel right now |
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| the best gift i think i could have recievedHe came by, and...I can't think of anything I could have wanted more. Just to know that someone cares...that someone IS there. Of course, Alecia is there, for whenever, but christopher and I's relationship is so much different. He knows more. I can cry to him, and let him hold me without worrying that it's going to get taken the wrong way. I can have him down in my room listening to me sob and whimper and not worry about loyalties, if that makes sense. He is someone I can hold on to without reguard to all the shit that takes place in the hell hole that has become my existence.
People are beginning to hate me again - for no reason, well that I know of. Not that I care, but...it hurts, down to the bones that people go through such effort to knock me from a pedestal that THEY place me on. YES, I wake up in the morning and do my makeup, for godssakes, I'm not being vain. I'm not interested in going into a mental hospital for the pain written on my face.
I'm hurting and alienated, how are you? |
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| panic attack. at the hospital, hiding from everyone. crying in private. no tears, don't smudge your makeup, they'll notice that you've been crying. you're such s hipocrite. |
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